Scourge Of Manhood



Scourge Of Manhood

The looks in my naked eyes
Betrayed the principles of my heart
Not just me but all manhood.
In their naked eyes
They are seduced in attraction
Just like the look of innocence
My heart perceives what the nose cannot.

Written on December 23, 2012... there are other stanzas.
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About Eustace Dunn

9 comments:

  1. If I had to pick out one thing that needed work, that would be the tendency towards abstract language. In the right place, it can work, however it is often best to use simple and direct language, with vivid images, and an attention to the ways the rhythms and colour (eg. the use of sounds, near rhymes, etcetera) sound. Don't be afraid to experiment with change and variations, as well.

    An example: try changing "principles" in line 2 with "ideals". This way you echo the "eyes" of line 1 with the "i" of ideals; you also ech the final 'll' of "all" in line 3 with the 'l' of "ideals". Look, also at the rhythm of the line: if we use U in place of an unstressed syllable, and / in place of a stressed one it looks like: U/UU/UU/ -- this is lightly spoken, swift on the tongue and something that I find attractive in my body.

    Don't be afraid of plain, direct languauge. Colloquial language, used well, often has a greater impact than formal language. And don't be afraid to play: language is play, after all, that is why we have jokes, nonsense words, slang.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks a lot Phillip Ellis, I appreciate your eagle-eye approach. I love that bro. I just think we can do things together soonest if only you will permit my to make a proposal.

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  2. pretty valuable poem, overall I picture this is worthy of a book mark, many thanks

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    Replies

    1. Thanks Stanley... I appreciate your eulogy.

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  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  4. Stan why is www.whitepagesng.com not linking?

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  5. wonderful post
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  6. Keep up the good work
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  7. I like the write up
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    ReplyDelete